MY POEM
I wrote a poem years ago to show this vulnerable energy and the reluctance I have to open up with men in general. Historically, when I’ve been in love I feel so euphoric that its crippling (again, limerence), a lot of beauty has come from it, but so has a lot of pain. This poem is about that girl getting her feet wet way before the boy’s and there is an undertone of anxiety you can sense from her, that which so many have felt going into a grey Passive Love Zone with somebody:
If
by Whitney L. Anderson
>>>> — — — — — -♡ — — — — — — →
If I let you have me would I be your sunshine or just your moonlight. Would you use me as a night light — be your goodmorning and then goodbye? Would you only talk to me when you’re lonely when you’re not hangin with your boys or would you give it a whirl and would I be your girl?
If I let you have me would I be a scented candle burning so bright or would you hush my fire whenever you like and light another because you love a new flame’s sight?
If I let you have me would I be the entree of your life or would you eat me up like a candy and get nothing but a one night high, throw away your wrapper and sigh — where’s my next bite? Would I not be the gift that keeps on giving or am i your Toys R Us toy here today for your child’s play, gone tomorrow when you’re ready for your next big boy action hero?
If I let you have my heart would you be cliche and rip it apart over some stupid mistake? Would you burry the wound deeper by saying “I never meant to hurt you in that way”?
If I answered your calls on time when they came would you answer mine on the first chime? Take advantage of the whole heart I’ve been giving you and never bother to think about what it took you to ask me out on our first date?
If I told you my darkest secrets would you see them as my weaknesses that you can overpower me when my soul bleeds from guilt or my strength in that I want to move on with my life and you’re the only one I want to hold my chin up when I fight through my darkest nights.
If I let you be mine would you be concrete or sand? Let me sink into your life, know the depths of your soul, the things that make you happy, cry, half or whole. If you were just a block of concrete my hands would bleed in vain as I would try try to beat down your cement walls everyday
If we went out would u look around at the other girls and wonder how you could do better or would you realize how good you already had it?
If I were a song in your life would you make me your chorus or just throw me in one line?
If you just said you loved me would there even be another if?
HOW MEN GOT PASSIVE (don’t hurt me y’all, I’m just the messenger)
In my blog “How Feminism Created the Never-Ending Dating Generation,” I talk about this phenomenon that started almost 100 years ago when dating came onto the forefront: the rise of “charity girls” started putting prostitutes out of business in the early 1900s New York. Today, Charity Girls run rampant, they encompass the average female dater who gives up her body before the ring. If you can hold out longer you’ll be better for it, but still, the man got his candy and can still run: there is no commitment holding him accountable to stay. Outside of working in porn, OnlyFans and strip clubs, any time a woman engages in fornication she is emphatically a glorified prostitute on the DL.
The jig is up — and it’s about time our mothers tell you the truth. Hers (the baby boomers in this case) made it an open secret and no longer taboo, due to sexual mores changing in the 1960s, thus, it was the cool rebellious thing to do back then — but not anymore. Eventhough she secretely knows it’s wrong, she can only chastize you so much, right? That would be judgemental and hypocritical of her unless she divulged her past to you. But she’s not going to do that. Most mothers will not do that because they want to look like the literal white bride they were on their wedding day. Leading us on in this way sure did not serve the next generation.
SEX IS THE EASIEST THING IN THE WORLD (but its only the safest for your mind, body and spirit in ONE context)
Oh you have a sex drive? Me, too! Gosh, can’t believe the sophomoric attitude we have on getting our rocks off before marriage. For those who have been practicing abstinence for years until marriage (or intermittently if you’ve slipped), damn I know the struggle. I’m not called to celibacy that’s for sure — heck, I’ve cried because the urge is so strong. But I always remind myself that I didn’t come this far to come this far in terms of preserving that side of my dignity. I’ve had to practice temperance — often begrudgingly — because I know this verse that has stuck with me for years: “Well done good and faithful servant.” I am stubbornly secure with my ways despite what the bait the world is dangling right in front of me. And it’s not just available sex, it’s the cavalier attitude you have as a prerequisite to doing it. My attitude is that I’ve only ever wanted my husband, that’s it — not the slew of guys I could have had while waiting for him.
I’ve cried many times over the FOMO that overtakes me though, that proverbial devil that represents the mainstream views of said horizontal culture whispering to my psyche, “You are in your prime, wasting your good body, you are missing out, Whitney!” This “whisper” has manifested through movies, music and the household name of birth control (which was not even given outside of married couple until the 60s) to give us carte blanche to premarital sex. It’s a cruel trick. I’ve started to tell people “your know, sex is the easiest thing in the world.” It’s too easy. Pretty easy for such life-changing events such as getting pregnant when you’re not married, STD’s, too easy to get a soul tie, too easy to start comparing the next guy to the last guy until you meet the person you want to marry and then you have a trail of soul ties. Those who are ahead of the curve collectively start asking themselves, “How could the easiest lowest common denominator cause so much pain?” If your conscious is tugging at you because of the state of affairs, you’re not wrong. That’s why self control is paramount today. So, be empowered by what I have told myself and others: you have no obligation to sleep with your boyfriend. Absolutely NO OBLIGATION. If you want to feel the true form of empowerment and not the feminist kind, listen to your grandmother who waited…..
ONLINE DATING
There is nothing good for me to say here (cue the scores of Google pages with SCORES of articles denouncing this subject). Nothing new I would say about it here. For the people who are boycotting it by no longer participating, keep going, team.
HOW TO RECOGNIZE HOW I PARTICIPATE IN THIS CLOWN WORLD AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT (DIY SAFE SPACE)
The safest space is your own. The facts are that we have agency and we consent to almost everything we do or allow have done to us. That is the most empowering yet annoying/bothersome statement, because that means I take responsibility for things I didn’t even realize before! However, since we mere mortals don’t have crystal balls, we can only bear so much of that burden; this is something I’ve heard psychologists dub “it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.” (Perplexing phrase, I know).
So, it’s no wonder, as I reflect back that I was consenting to my own detriment. Life is about risks though and the risk of the could-be is a better hormone concoction than the risk of not taking it and letting our love hormones remain stagnant. Here was my inner talk at the time: “This is the way men are today, passive and shy. I need to be the strong one and make things happen.” He’s giving 40% from the beginning, what’s me crossing over another other 10% to meet him where he is at? He’s wounded, I’m the strong one, I’ll make him stronger to actually love me. I’ve heard the stories from women in which they were aggressive and got their man. I don’t want to be manipulative, but perhaps I should play so coy — I need to be direct or a man won’t come after me. We live in a meek society right now…” and on and on the rationalizing goes. Note to self: don’t consent to half-ass love from the get go.
THE AGRESSIVE “PICK ME’S” CULTURE
I have long said to my friends that the plethora of good-looking have-it-going-on women with a personality do not match the plethora of men that have the same. Thus, relatively speaking, there are more eligible bachelorettes in this country than eligible bachelors. That is why women have had to become more aggressive about finding someone as their match. That, or lower your standards and sell out from who you innately feel comfortable being with — i.e. the book “Marry Him: The case for settling for Mr. Good Enough” by Lori Gottleib (the most abysmal title ever, right?). Should women like me who are strongly traditional participate? “You need to be more assertive, Whitney!” Says the woman who nabbed her husband by reaching out first (i.e. Simone Biles style, the text book definition of this). Something has never sat well with me about that. Let’s call it manipulative.
Even as this is the case where society is headed, it still dumbfounds me to think that a woman do the pursuing. I don’t know about that kind of woman, but it goes against my demure feminine nature. Not only that, I don’t want to be the leader in my relationship — yes, guidance behind the scenes — but I have to take the lead in every other aspect of my life as a single woman. The last thing I want in a man is that passive love. Breadcrumbing. Dangling the carrot of a life together — “future faking”, they call it these days? I’ll only give it so much attention until I can no longer for the sake of maintaining my dignity and knowing I deserve a man’s undivided attention as I am giving him mine.