Tell me I am not the only 30 year old single girl wondering what the heck happened to the institution of marriage.
Once upon a time men wanted to marry us...
A primary reason men don’t want to marry is because feminism has deteriorated the need for it. Reverence for men as leaders of headship in the household are being sacrificed for an egalitarian society and we now see, at large, what that is reaping. Women would probably have a better chance of landing a husband by falling out of a boat, getting amnesia and have some construction worker claim us as his wife to bail us out of a mental asylum (thankyou, Overboard). This also gives a whole new meaning to Rihanna's "We Found Love in a Hopeless Place."
Even though research says its important and held in high regard on many people's lists, we ain't walkin our talk. On the surface, marriage seems underrated because it's meaning has been transformed from "forming a covenant with God" down to a ulitarian definition of just a piece of paper--and an often overwhelming (make sure to include that second cousin in your invite!) and completely unnecessary expensive wedding to empty our parent's wallets. Because we have downgraded it from Class A Standard to just another lifestyle choice, cohabitating and divorce have never been more accepted. So, I am going to shed some new light on how people got to these polarizing viewpoints on marriage
Once the gold standard of coupledom, a beacon of respect, and ultimately the purveyor of national strength and security--marriage used to be like the sims card you have to have to get your iPhone to work or the anchor to hold down ships in even the toughest of storms. The tides changed with the Renissance and then Enlightment when moral relativism started incubating new discoveries. It was a praise of human accomplishments and a rebirth of thinking, the arts, psychology and at the same time there were scientific discoveries. All positive things, however, the drawback of this transparency, quantifiability of science, and focus on feelings started replacing blind faith, quality of commonsense and conviction, respectively. You can't make marriage en vogue again unless you break down the faulty outlook on it that we have created over the past half a century.
Today, our society accepts everything outside of marriage that it was once supposed to only represent within. These benefits are not just mutually exclusive to the two people involved but to everyone outside surrounding the couple. Marriage or lack thereof creates a ripple effect--for better or for worse. Why do people have big weddings and state their vows to a crowd of +100? Its to show the they are in it to win it not just to keep kickin' it. We need to start thinking of marriage in terms of the nucleus of a cell and that cell along with millions of other cells makes up the larger organism, our nation.
LESSONS FROM the FIRST MARRIAGE
God does nothing by accident--every move and sequence of events has a purpose. For instance, in the very beginning He made Adam but he did not make a woman (Eve) for him right away. There are three key elements in the beginning of Genesis-- so obvious yet at the same time so inconspicuous--that happened beforeEve came in to Adam's life
BEING IN GOD'S PRESENCE: The Garden of Eden was the environment where God showed his utmost precence to Adam. Meaning: God wanted Adam to be in the presence of Him first. Every man should be God fearing before anything else.
GETTING TO WORK: God mandated Adam to cultivate the garden. Every man should have a job.
PROTECTING HIS DOMAIN: Adam was to protect what he was given dominion over. That's why men are built stronger and for leadership roles--not to abuse their power but to protect that which he is responsible for at different seasons in his life. Every man should look out for the environment and people around him and be a good steward to it.
Only after all three of these things were fulfilled that's when God said "this man should not be alone, I will make him a helper fit for him." Notice "this" man--one that is in the presence of God, has a job and has done civic duties before he gets involved with a woman. Ladies, only get with a whole man like Adam. I could also relay the opposite message God was sending to us: a man who is not walking in the presence of God, doesn't have a job and/or can't protect--"it is good for this man to be alone"
REPERCUSSIONS
Eventually, when you believe that you originated from a monkey, which I touch on briefly in my last blog about Evolution, social conscience and morality are just evolved parts of ourselves--subject to change once again--while religion is something we made up to make sense of this life. Thus, we begin to adopt a "to each their own attitude"--also known as Moral Relativism which has led to cultural battles on Abortion, gender fluidity and redefinition of marriage.
People think marriage is just an institution made for the confines of life devotion and creating a family together--all postive things, yes-- but its also, and most importantly a way to glorify God. That's why he mandated it beforesin came in to the world! There was no one around for Adam and Eve to turn to except eachother and still God was like, hey, you are still going to get married because it's a goodthing. Setting this kind of example of marriage for humanity is the most timeless hallmark of God.
So, people need to stop saying "its just a piece of paper"--is a $100 dollar bill just a piece of paper or does it have value to it? Ask that to your next date if the conversation comes up. I did.
LOST BAGGAGE
I believe the adversity that couples face in marriage today is in direct correlation to the weight of baggage the individuals are bringing into it. We used to save ourselves up until the knot now we expend ourselves, our time, money, emotions and physical actions in perpetual relationship after relationship. Just think of it as Mary leaving her Samsonite bag back at the airport. That's right, Lloyd eventually got it back to her but with a cringworthy surprise of IOU receipts. Baggage always comes back and the more you have along the way the more it builds up your emotional deficit for when you become a spouse in the future. It is difficult to expect matrimony bliss when we are not practicing that in our relationships prior to it.
THE GRECO-ROMAN MYTH
The problem with marriage is not the institution it's how we view it leading up to it. You see, our society has bought into the Greco Roman myth of romantic love--"the heart wants what is wants" "oh this thing is bigger than the both of us" and that's the reason why most people are subconciously weary of marriage because basing your marriage on that kind of love is bound to fail at some point. There will always be someone else that will grab your affections if love is based primarely on a feeling-- what your carnal heart wants. Therefore, to stroke our reassurance further, we came up with the concept of "The One". The problem with that is there is no objective way for you to know that.
Biblical Love is an act of the will accompanied by emotion that leads to action on behalf of its object. This love it is the one that lasts, it is stable, it is something that stays, it is something that will serve as a foundation on which a marriage can be built.”
“The greco-roman myth is not so. You cannot build a solid marriage on the greco-roman myth. It doesn’t work. That is why you get people walking away from each other that say: “We just felt out of love." The Greco-Roman model is too fickle for marriage.
Pastor Voddie Baucham
Biblical love is accompianied by emotion. If it is led by emotion it is a roller coaster, yet if it is void of emotion it does not grow at all. I like how God makes things work in tandem.
My parents marriage was not all Kit-Kats and roses--from one time arguing over the verdict of who's version of "Ketchup" vs "Ketsup" was right to infedelity and constantly complaining about money. There were dark ages that spanned my childhood. With God's grace it has not just made them stronger individuals and have a stronger marriage but there is a resiliency and very profound respect I find in what it means to be married and never abandoning your vows.
Throughout my life I recall what has made me grow and proud of who I am. It was not on the mountains of my life where I felt strong, cool and in control, it was the valleys of my life where I could have given up so much to take that gondola up the mountain. I decided to keep trudging through even though it hurt me because my relationship with God and the integrity I had to uphold in the darkest moments--or even years--most lonely times in my life was more important than smoking the blunt of instant gratification our society has been passing around when the tribulations are hard. "As long as you're happy is all that matters". Happiness is a choice but not at the expendability of your marriage or the one you are preparing for—which I have been trying to do as a believer for a very long while. Voddie Baucham sums up my point:
"The man you want is the man that will keep you at arms length and will not allow you to jeapordize your feelings by getting involved with him before you make sure that the two of you are equally yoked and the two of you are ready to enter into a Biblical relationship headed towards marriage and not just wasting time kicking it because it feels good to be together. Until you've met that guy keep walking. Until you've met that guy don't waste your time."
