“Said I loved you but I lied….because it’s more than love I feel inside….”
That’s the famous line from Michael Bolton’s 1993 eponymous love ballad—one that limerence is in full force when he sings it and, no doubt, it’s foundation as he penned it.
I start with that song because there is an ubsubstantiated claim out there—a movement one could say—that infatuation is not that essential to fall in love with someone. Recent articles that denote sentiments like “Girls have been fed the Disney fairytale for far too long” and “Marriage is WORK, get with someone practical,” or the book, which sums up both of these, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Lori Gotlieb, 2010) are, I have come to believe, overcorrections to a culture enraptured by free sex without the ring, now popularized for three generations since the 1960’s. Women and men are tired of the dating scene—so just settle! Forget the chemistry and infatuation, they get everyone in trouble, right? Well, not quite. I believe infatuation, in its pure form without all of the selfish ulterior motives that people play into it today, is essential—driven by an ethereal force we can’t disregard when it comes to romance. Otherwise, we would be devoid of so many artists’ beautiful creations stemming from it— let alone, be propelled to bond with our object of affection in the first place!
Another term that gets lumped in with this overcorrection movement is chemistry, the X factor from which produces the feelings of infatuation we have for our LO (limerent object). Infatuation and chemistry are two components that make up a term that I just recently started learning more about: limerence.
DEFINITION
Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts and/or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire.
I believe the strong desires that produce limerents are a God-given phenomenon that happens within, completely enveloping our bodies, but that we need to harness. Just like any good or neutral thing—desire for money, food, sex, etc.—harnessing earthly desires is key to unlocking God’s treasures he’s hid within us to impact those around us. Do we not feel ill at times with it? Yes, but that pain makes you feel ALIVE. Is it sometimes unreciprocated by the LO? Yes, unfortunately. But what I’ve experienced over the years is that falling for somone is often a catalyst to make something greater out of myself within my art and deepen my spiritual fortitude.
For instance, without limerents, I don’t believe we would have some of the most profound pieces of artwork out there. Being in love—yes, even the shallow beginning stages of it—makes you yearn for connection to someone else, if not, connection back to yourself. Limerence has been a strong catalyst for many artists throughout history. Sure there are impactful love songs sprung from stable in-love married couple 10 years in, yet there is something about young love—the verge of what could play out that hightens one’s creativity! The concoction of “love drugs” in our system is, some say, the equivalent to heroin so it’s no wonder great ideas for art can be manifested through having an LO. And they might not even act upon it until later, knocking at nostalgia’s door for inspiration, they start reminiscing of that bittersweet time they were intensely in love or even just had a crush on someone. Remember “Tear Drops on My Guitar” (Taylor Swift, 2007), Plain White Tee’s “Hey There, Delilah,” (2006), “Who’s Holding Donna Now?” Debarg (1985), “Oh Sherrie” Steve Perry (1984), and “Sweet Child O’ Mine” (Guns and Roses” 1988)?—just the tip of the iceberg for limerance-driven songs. Limerence/infatuation is most prevalent in the baby stages of love while longterm love, although beautiful in its own way, is on a different playing field. In the beginning it’s all about this high risk/high reward intensity of attaining something you may or may not get and that is ripe ground for creatives to produce some of their most profound works.
Whether it’s in the beginning crush stage or a new relationship stage, there is still room for that Debbie-downer feeling to settle in—yes, you know that feeling that every limerant experiences more than once in life: Unrequited Love. No one summed it up better in melodic fashion than Bonnie Rait. “'I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power/But you won't'“ (“I can’t make you love me”, 1991). Damn. That hits the heart like a ton of bricks. Or fast forward about 15 years later to Leona Lewis’ song “Bleeding Love” composed by Jesse McCartney. He revealed that his songwriting inspiration came from the pain of a long distance relationship (specifically actress Katie Cassidy, daughter of singer David Cassidy). He said: "I kept thinking about being in love so much that it hurts. I was away from my girlfriend for four months at the time and I really wanted to throw in the towel (quit) and fly home. I was so in love that it was painful. It was like bleeding, it cut me open. That's how my head was and that idea just really fit the song." Jesse was 20 years old around that time, young love in full bloom. Although that relationship did not last it manifested into something greater through this pulsating song recorded by Leona Lewis that we play back today. I myself would not have accomplished half of my work, if it were not for the intense feelings of limerence—and its aftermath when love did not come through on the other side. Both songs and art have quite intelligent and timeless undertones for being produced in such a foggy state of “stupid in love.” Whatdoyaknow, God had a redemption plan waiting in the wings for us limerants whose infatuation did not crystallize into love. Suffice it to say, limerence, when not fully successful in pair bonding relationships, morphs into a form of self perservation and self actualization for the limerant.
I’ve been in very few relationships because (ironically) I consider myself a Hopeless Romantic. Now stereotypically one would think an HR is a serial monogamist who has been in several relationships, but I propose the opposite: there is a subset of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves for very few in life. Maybe it’s because I really enjoy—almost covet—my alone time. Not that I want to be alone but it’s just that I won’t settle—nuance ie everything! Thus, if you are going to take occupancy in my life eventually full time, I better be infatuated with you. So once the HRs out there like me have found those people (not all at the same time of course), we love them hard. The burden of carrying love around on that sleeve has gotten so heavy that when we find someone it just gushes out. Of course if we have some self awareness we’ll play it cool on the surface and not act like limerence has completely enveloped our minds and bodies for our LO.
Chemistry, infatuation, limerance—all that forms the X factor “spice” of a potential relationship. I like the meet-cute story of Pierce Bronsnan when he recalled Australian Actress Cassandra Harris who would become his first wife (she later died of cancer): "What a beautiful looking woman. I never for an instant thought she was someone I'd spend 17 years of my life with. I didn't think of wooing her, or attempting to woo her; I just wanted to enjoy her beauty and who she was.” That was more passive infatuation compared to Michael Cain and his LO success story: Caine has been married to actress and model Shakira Baksh since 1973. They met after Caine saw her in a Maxwell House coffee commercial—in another country!—and a friend gave him her telephone number. After calling her nonstop her 10 days, she finally agreed to fly to meet with him. Oh and one more, my recent favorite: Within two weeks Candace Owens met and got engaged to her husband of three years George Farmer. It’s a crazy sweep-you-off-your feet story that I thought only happened in The Greatest Generation Era when men were sent off to war and there was this urgency for marriage—subconsciously encouraging those soldiers to come home alive and to pass on their warrior genes. On the flip side of that infatuation success story lies the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee story—4 drunken days after he met Pam they got married and the rest was downhill. Limerence is like a box of chocolates, you never know what’s going to transpire but it sure makes the world go ‘round…
I want to close with one of my favorite quotes by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “Love is not looking into eachother’s eyes, it’s looking out in the same direction.” Now on the surface it seems to side with the pure pragmatic department of love’s longevity rather than pure infatuation which is more precarious (because of all of its impurities today). And I agree with Antoine but—to stand side by side, show up on that date—a healthy degree of infatuation is the kindle to getting us there, forming the frustrating yet so whimsical enigma of love that we’ll never quite understand and we like it that way. Sometimes figuring things out means we have arrived and I think humanity has always thrived off the exhilaration of the journey more than the destination…. XO