"Miss Metamorphosis": 5 years in the making of a very special story

“You see, most wings are grown in a cacoon—but the most beautiful are grown outside in the wild. Not many know that can happen because they have never been given the challenge to try it. You are a true Miss Metamorphosis!”

-from my latest book Miss Metamorphosis, coming this Spring 2023!

Whenever I watch movies I always relish in the atmosphere—the set design, origin, style, tone, musical score—all of these elements enrich a story. I have brought that same appreciation I find in movies into the creation of each one of my children’s books: creating the perfect atmosphere through my art illustrations to carry out a storyline. Here is a behind-the-scenes look into all things that created the atmosphere of my latest and greatest book Miss Metamorphosis…..

A FAR OFF PLACE: WHERE IT WAS BORN

This photograph (above) was taken around the same time that I came up with the idea of creating a human butterfly—for what, I did not know at the time. I was miles from my comfort zone in America, strutting on the bridge deck of a ferry cruising from Helsinki to Stockholm with my family on that brisk October eve back in 2017. My first children’s book Roku and Tanza had not even come into inception until months later in the summer of 2018, so the fact that I started creating Miss Metamorphosis years after her inception now intrigues me on a deep level. I have come to a realization that it was all by design, having more to do with my own trials and triumphs which inspired me to create the storyline around this character who represents the “the heroes journey.” Furthermore, during that trip I found part of myself through discovering my motherland, miles away from my birth place in America—Scandinavia is, after all, where my great great grandfather sailed from in 1890’s to carve out a better life in America. He couldn't grow his “wings” in Åland so he had to seek elsewhere. He had to improvise, much like my main character Elin in Miss Metamorphosis. Such reflects my life, too, which is what inspired the premise of this storyline: I have not lived a conventional woman’s life (get married and have kids by a certain age, etc..) and so I’ve had to carve out another way to bring meaning and purpose into why life—create my own kind of wings that make me fly for that matter.

MIND ABYSS: HOW IT WAS BORN

The initial concept of a human butterfly came out of thin air, although the story surrounding it would come in increments over the years. Sometimes my imagination is like that—there doesn’t seem to be any direct inspiration for said idea. Maybe it’s just the absence of distractions and there was a lot of meaning behind it because when I don’t have any distractions I think of whimsical things. It’s not everyday that one idea blooms like a beautiful butterfly releasing from its cocoon and I need to catch it before it vaporizes and gets recycled back into my factory of thoughts. My mind is always moving from one thing to the next, that’s why I always write my character ideas down and stow them for later, gradually adding on the beginning, the plot, the end and the whole atmosphere around them. Five years later, standing tall like a mighty oak tree after years of growth in the making—+100 hours of illustration and written story—it’s hard to believe that this all started from the little acorn of my imagination.

METAPHORICAL WORLD

Much like meta from the word “metamorphosis,” it means “beyond” and that’s what a lot of elements in this story are: figures of speech going beyond their regular definition. Though up to the interpretation of the reader, most people will draw these conclusions of what each one represents in this book:

Elin (main character): means “ray of light.” She speaks to the reader on a heart level. Every one has their own little heroes journey, some bigger than others, but it’s there. Everyone has felt ostracized, especially with the “life is not fair’ notion.

Amera: Means ”leader.” She represents the trial by fire, the beacon of hope, the light at the end of the tunnel. She is not the answer to Elin’s search but she is the catalyst for Elin to grow her wings! We all need a catalyst, the person on the sidelines that either subconsciously or consciously is helping us move toward our purpose.

Allies (dolphins, bird) represent our friends and family that lift us up along the journey.

Scary things (shark, snakes, scary forest): these things resemble the trials and tribulations we will all face on the journey of searching. Sometimes we will have a well-thought out plan, other times we are not sure where our destination is but we know we have to get moving. Such is life and when faith comes in—sometimes you need to fully surrender over to God what you may not see in the distance.

Hutterland : the safe place where we were raised and feel comfort, it represents conventionality and security. We live in such a cookie cutter culture of comparison: things are supposed to happen like this and in this way and at this time. Elin is forced to throw conventional norms to the wind as she finds a new way to grow her wings.

Anotherland: the place of adventure, mystery and discomfort. These can be played out physically in our lives or on a mental level—facing CHANGE and getting out of our comfort zone is always going to be challenging. Elin’s journey to Anotherland is bringing about the change within her and that determination to get there makes her wings grow outside of that comfortable cocoon that all the other hutterflies depended on.

Miss Metamorphosis Pageant: the destination that is so short lived, (as we see in the final page). The journey where she came to be Miss Metamorphosis is the more interesting part. It represents so much of our lives, the struggle to get to that “place"—whatever place that is important to you.

Cocoons: the passive element of growing something in your life, not working hard for “it”—whatever that “it” represents in your life. For some. like Elin, we have to improvise and take a detour to get that.

Wings: The wings are the “it” represented in this storyline. They are a powerful symbol of attaining something in unconventional fashion that other’s seem to attain more easily. For some people, life is more at ease; for others life is not fair, it favors others in some ways it does not favor you—and there is nothing that you did to deserve those circumstances. Such is the mystery of life and the old adage “necessity is the mother of invention” which is so pronounced in Elin’s case of finding her wings outside of depending on something else (the cocoon) to grow them.

INSPIRATIONS

Mariah Carey’s “Butterfly” song. This has always been one of my favorite MC ballads and it struck me even more during the making of this book.

Fern Gully: the Last Rainforest is one of my favorite animated movies and I really leaned on the curiosity and adventure-seeking pesonality of Crista!

Passengers. I was inspired by the sci fie movie stasis scene where they are all in sleep pods on their way to their destination. Passengers reminded me of when Aurora is abruptly awakened out of her pod (like Elin with her cocoon).

Thank Kevin: The most famous acapella that almost never was

Dances with Wolves, Waterworld, Field of Dreams and, more recently the tv show Yellowstone—Kevin Costner is known for his blockbuster looks and acting on screen but few know that he is a musician, too. I bet even fewer know that he was behind 4 of the greatest acapella lines ever sung…

If I should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go but I know
I'll think of you every step of the way…

One can hear the smokey yet sultry voice levitating off of Whitney Houston’s lips—no background music to distract the most melancholic serenade of our modern times. The Bodyguard became the juggernaut to launch Costner’s and Houston’s careers to even greater heights and it had so much to do with that one song. Furthermore, I believe the power of this rendition of Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” would not have been the same without that beginning delivery—and Costner had everything to do with it.

I was watching David Foster’s documentary Off the Record when I discovered this little tidbit. It’s almost like Costner was walking by the studio and quipped “Hey, hold off the music right there—just let her voice shine, trust me” and then he continues to walk back down the hallway. David Foster was staunchly against it at first, but Costner insisted. Clive Davis was head hauncho and although David and Clive were usaully in agreement on a lot of things, they did no see eye to eye here. “Who would play this on the radio?” David mockingly asked. Nonetheless, in the end Clive stuck with Costner’s version of Whitney’s studio demo. Fast forward years later, David recalls, “It became the most important album of my life, it sold 45 million copies. It’s carried me over these last 20 years.”

When she sang it on stage for the first time, Whitney’s mother turned to David Foster who was sitting next to her and said, “You know you’re witnessing greatness right now.”

No surface matter: Limerance, the arts, and why infatuation is more vital to love than we think

“Said I loved you but I lied….because it’s more than love I feel inside….”

That’s the famous line from Michael Bolton’s 1993 eponymous love ballad—one that limerence is in full force when he sings it and, no doubt, it’s foundation as he penned it.

I start with that song because there is an ubsubstantiated claim out there—a movement one could say—that infatuation is not that essential to fall in love with someone. Recent articles that denote sentiments like “Girls have been fed the Disney fairytale for far too long” and “Marriage is WORK, get with someone practical,” or the book, which sums up both of these, Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough (Lori Gotlieb, 2010) are, I have come to believe, overcorrections to a culture enraptured by free sex without the ring, now popularized for three generations since the 1960’s. Women and men are tired of the dating scene—so just settle! Forget the chemistry and infatuation, they get everyone in trouble, right? Well, not quite. I believe infatuation, in its pure form without all of the selfish ulterior motives that people play into it today, is essential—driven by an ethereal force we can’t disregard when it comes to romance. Otherwise, we would be devoid of so many artists’ beautiful creations stemming from it— let alone, be propelled to bond with our object of affection in the first place!

Another term that gets lumped in with this overcorrection movement is chemistry, the X factor from which produces the feelings of infatuation we have for our LO (limerent object). Infatuation and chemistry are two components that make up a term that I just recently started learning more about: limerence.

DEFINITION

Limerence is a state of mind which results from romantic or non-romantic feelings for another person, and typically includes intrusive, melancholic thoughts and/or tragic concerns for the object of one's affection as well as a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and to have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire.

I believe the strong desires that produce limerents are a God-given phenomenon that happens within, completely enveloping our bodies, but that we need to harness. Just like any good or neutral thing—desire for money, food, sex, etc.—harnessing earthly desires is key to unlocking God’s treasures he’s hid within us to impact those around us. Do we not feel ill at times with it? Yes, but that pain makes you feel ALIVE. Is it sometimes unreciprocated by the LO? Yes, unfortunately. But what I’ve experienced over the years is that falling for somone is often a catalyst to make something greater out of myself within my art and deepen my spiritual fortitude.

For instance, without limerents, I don’t believe we would have some of the most profound pieces of artwork out there. Being in love—yes, even the shallow beginning stages of it—makes you yearn for connection to someone else, if not, connection back to yourself. Limerence has been a strong catalyst for many artists throughout history. Sure there are impactful love songs sprung from stable in-love married couple 10 years in, yet there is something about young love—the verge of what could play out that hightens one’s creativity! The concoction of “love drugs” in our system is, some say, the equivalent to heroin so it’s no wonder great ideas for art can be manifested through having an LO. And they might not even act upon it until later, knocking at nostalgia’s door for inspiration, they start reminiscing of that bittersweet time they were intensely in love or even just had a crush on someone. Remember “Tear Drops on My Guitar” (Taylor Swift, 2007), Plain White Tee’s “Hey There, Delilah,” (2006), “Who’s Holding Donna Now?” Debarg (1985), “Oh Sherrie” Steve Perry (1984), and “Sweet Child O’ Mine” (Guns and Roses” 1988)?—just the tip of the iceberg for limerance-driven songs. Limerence/infatuation is most prevalent in the baby stages of love while longterm love, although beautiful in its own way, is on a different playing field. In the beginning it’s all about this high risk/high reward intensity of attaining something you may or may not get and that is ripe ground for creatives to produce some of their most profound works.

Whether it’s in the beginning crush stage or a new relationship stage, there is still room for that Debbie-downer feeling to settle in—yes, you know that feeling that every limerant experiences more than once in life: Unrequited Love. No one summed it up better in melodic fashion than Bonnie Rait. “'I will lay down my heart and I'll feel the power/But you won't'“ (“I can’t make you love me”, 1991). Damn. That hits the heart like a ton of bricks. Or fast forward about 15 years later to Leona Lewis’ song “Bleeding Love” composed by Jesse McCartney. He revealed that his songwriting inspiration came from the pain of a long distance relationship (specifically actress Katie Cassidy, daughter of singer David Cassidy). He said: "I kept thinking about being in love so much that it hurts. I was away from my girlfriend for four months at the time and I really wanted to throw in the towel (quit) and fly home. I was so in love that it was painful. It was like bleeding, it cut me open. That's how my head was and that idea just really fit the song." Jesse was 20 years old around that time, young love in full bloom. Although that relationship did not last it manifested into something greater through this pulsating song recorded by Leona Lewis that we play back today. I myself would not have accomplished half of my work, if it were not for the intense feelings of limerence—and its aftermath when love did not come through on the other side. Both songs and art have quite intelligent and timeless undertones for being produced in such a foggy state of “stupid in love.” Whatdoyaknow, God had a redemption plan waiting in the wings for us limerants whose infatuation did not crystallize into love. Suffice it to say, limerence, when not fully successful in pair bonding relationships, morphs into a form of self perservation and self actualization for the limerant.

I’ve been in very few relationships because (ironically) I consider myself a Hopeless Romantic. Now stereotypically one would think an HR is a serial monogamist who has been in several relationships, but I propose the opposite: there is a subset of us who wear our hearts on our sleeves for very few in life. Maybe it’s because I really enjoy—almost covet—my alone time. Not that I want to be alone but it’s just that I won’t settle—nuance ie everything! Thus, if you are going to take occupancy in my life eventually full time, I better be infatuated with you. So once the HRs out there like me have found those people (not all at the same time of course), we love them hard. The burden of carrying love around on that sleeve has gotten so heavy that when we find someone it just gushes out. Of course if we have some self awareness we’ll play it cool on the surface and not act like limerence has completely enveloped our minds and bodies for our LO.

Chemistry, infatuation, limerance—all that forms the X factor “spice” of a potential relationship. I like the meet-cute story of Pierce Bronsnan when he recalled Australian Actress Cassandra Harris who would become his first wife (she later died of cancer): "What a beautiful looking woman. I never for an instant thought she was someone I'd spend 17 years of my life with. I didn't think of wooing her, or attempting to woo her; I just wanted to enjoy her beauty and who she was.” That was more passive infatuation compared to Michael Cain and his LO success story: Caine has been married to actress and model Shakira Baksh since 1973. They met after Caine saw her in a Maxwell House coffee commercial—in another country!—and a friend gave him her telephone number. After calling her nonstop her 10 days, she finally agreed to fly to meet with him. Oh and one more, my recent favorite: Within two weeks Candace Owens met and got engaged to her husband of three years George Farmer. It’s a crazy sweep-you-off-your feet story that I thought only happened in The Greatest Generation Era when men were sent off to war and there was this urgency for marriage—subconsciously encouraging those soldiers to come home alive and to pass on their warrior genes. On the flip side of that infatuation success story lies the Pam Anderson and Tommy Lee story—4 drunken days after he met Pam they got married and the rest was downhill. Limerence is like a box of chocolates, you never know what’s going to transpire but it sure makes the world go ‘round…

I want to close with one of my favorite quotes by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry: “Love is not looking into eachother’s eyes, it’s looking out in the same direction.” Now on the surface it seems to side with the pure pragmatic department of love’s longevity rather than pure infatuation which is more precarious (because of all of its impurities today). And I agree with Antoine but—to stand side by side, show up on that date—a healthy degree of infatuation is the kindle to getting us there, forming the frustrating yet so whimsical enigma of love that we’ll never quite understand and we like it that way. Sometimes figuring things out means we have arrived and I think humanity has always thrived off the exhilaration of the journey more than the destination…. XO

Vision accomplished: selling 1,000 books in 2022

One day back in the dawn of 2022 I randomly placed a sticky note on my fridge with these fast scribbled words: “sell 1000 books this year.” It was a lofty goal I quietly kept to myself—keeping a zipped lip just incase I didn’t reach it and feel like a fool. Although it be invigorating to shout it the roof tops (in order to hold yourself accountable to a goal), I told no one because it’s one of those instances that your talk ends up overshadowing your walk that demands all those unglamorous days of putting your feet to the pavement. And its’ some cold pavement I tell you—the sales marketing world is a totally different “hat” I wear outside of the creation of my books. Making about 30 new accounts (within my own direct distribution channel) this year was the tip of the iceberg—what lies beneath were dozens of hours and over 100 accounts I reached out to (having netted only those 30 in the end). Whenever I became discouraged I had to remember this was par for the course, like the old sales adage, ‘for every 10 no’s, you’ll get 1 yes.” Thus, the fact I netted 30% of my accounts was actually a huge success in the sales world. Across all my wholesale and retail channels, I netted 1,170 book sales:

-My store account sales (direct distribution to store): 757

-Ingram sales (indirect distribution to store): 230

-Book singing events (direct to customer): ~ 100

-Etsy (direct to customer): 83

Highlighting my accounts with the most books bought in 2022 alone—thank you for your business! 🖤

1.) Breck Kidz (Breckenridge, CO) 94

2.) Jerrol’s (Ellensburg, WA) 60

13.) Once Upon a Blue Moose (Anchorage, Alaska) 48

3.) Evergreen Crafters (Evergreen, CO) 32

4.) Booktree (Kirkland, WA). 32

6.) Norman’s Fine Art and gifts (Kodiak, Alaska). 30

7.) Post Alley kids (Seattle, WA) 32

8.) Pacific Northwest Shop (Tacoma, WA)

9.) Channing Baby Co. (Tacoma, WA) 24

10.) Little bird (Denver, CO) 30

11.) Lil’ Tugs Boutique (Anacortes, WA) 30

12.) Schular’s Bookstore (Okemos Michigan) 27

13.) Denver Artisan Center (Cherry Creek, CO) 18

14.) Covered Treasures (Monument, CO) 24

I also thank all the retail customers who have bought my books directly—THANK YOU for supporting the one thing I do best in life! Your enthusiasm for my work means the world 🖤

A NEW MERMAID ON THE BLOCK: With Roku & Tanza at Queen Anne Book Company, Seattle WA

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At Jerrol’s Book Signing event in Ellensburg, WA—she was so cute and even handed me a homemade fan letter!

Reading to the kiddos at Seward Library, Alaska

Being self employed and an entrepreneur, I have to wear many hats and the one that I wore the longest this year (outside of my art/creation hat) in order to reach my book goal was my Whitney Sales Hat. Email, call. Email, call, Email call. I felt like a robot after awhile but had to remind myself “don’t act like you are exhausted, act like you really want to be in their store and this is the only call you are making today—handle it with TLC.”

Wheatgrass Books in Livingston, Montana!

With my best friend Dana since diapers—now with her own!

Dot Bardarson, a local Seward and renown-Alaskan artist buying some books for her grandchildren after my reading at Seward Library, Alaska

At Kingfisher bookstore, a delightful local bookstore in the heart of Coupeville.on Whidbey Island, WA

With this Mumee, OH local—my dear grandma—which inspired “Bunny and the Woodchuck” Check out our news article in their local paper!

NO MAN’S LAND: I had just finished up my last book signing in Park City and was on my way back to Colorado—I was celebrating alone ontop a log, a reminder of the freedom I had to make money on my on terms. This was somewhere in north eastern Utah where the wind was blowing, the air was dry, the heat was hot…. yes, “Horse with No Name” was my theme song for that moment..

My friends would witness some of my many follow up calls—one after the other for an hour straight. They looked dumbfounded when I finally got off the phone to get in some social time. “I don’t know how you do that! I could never just call up all those people—I would get so shy!” they would quip. “I have no choice”, was my simple response every time. I’m not a natural sales girl but you would be amazed what you can do in your life—what propels you deep within your soul—when you have no other choice. It’s called doing something out of necessity. Would I love to hire a sales rep or agent to get me into more stores? Yes, but that takes a lot of money and I only earn $1-$3 in royalties on a $20 book to begin with. It’s a low margin industry which I discuss in this other blog.

With Donald Braun, an Alaskan state treasure—he has been so supportive of my books the past couple years-, connecting me with so many people and businesses in the process.

At my first Anchorage book signing event in the lobby of the Captain Cook Hotel —I met “Nigh Rangers” band member Jack Blades (he bought Ocean Bear for his grandson)

  I also went on a west coast book signing tour by myself, couch surfing with friends and going to 8 book signing events across WA, WY, UT, and CO. I also sold 230 books through my distributor Ingram that publishes, produces and distributes all my hardbacks. I never know what stores are buying the books but they end up finding my work through the Ingram system so, even though I only bag $1.15 per book, it’s a great way to make passive sales. It also expanded my reach internationally with sales from bookstores in Australia, Germany and Britain! The majority of my sales over--700 books!—was done on my home soil in America through cold calling and emailing stores that would buy wholesale directly through me (netting $3 in royalties because I became my own distributor).  

“It is with our eyes that we use to see but it is our vision that takes us to places never gone before.” -me

I’m not a natural sales girl even though I’ve had to be my own sales rep/agent for years now. I would often wear vanity readers (despite having 20/20 vision) to appear more “business serious” when approaching store buyers. Plus, the smart kids in school always happened to wear glasses, right?! It would actually help me, quite literally, mask the artist “hat” and wear the sales rep hat with more confidence. Looking back, I recognize other things I would mask to elevate what I am selling: for instance, I rarely tell book buyers that I’m also a fine artist and I rarely tell my art buyers/galleries that I’m also a children's book author/illustrator. I guess I don’t want to look too “versatile” because it’s distracting to the product you are trying to present at hand. Same within my art, when submitting to galleries I often show I specialize in one medium eventhough I’m skilled at three.

Looking back on this whirlwind of being my own sales task force, I’ve realized there is a psychology to closing on a sale and it’s a true art form. It comes more natural in others—but it’s one which I’ll forever be mastering because creating art is my main mastery. Some people will like your product right on the spot, other times they will need more “sales massaging” as I like to call it—You have to work it in them. You have some growing pains to go through with them because they are either not in buying season, they are swamped with other matters or they just don’t take you seriously the first exposure. So you mark your calendar two weeks from the first exposure and follow up then. It’s a tight rope of being proactive and posturing confidence without falling into the pit of being labeled an annoying sales person. I’ve noticed in these many followups that buyers are either grateful and find it refreshing to hear back from me or they are disgruntled and have this air of superiority like I don’t belong in their store (when I know I clearly based on the research of other products they have in there!). So sales life is a box of chocolates in the end—you never know what you’re going to get.

I’ve carried an Eleanor Roosevelt quote with me for almost 15 years now but have never whispered it more often to myself than this year and that is “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” Yep, I carry it in the back pocket of my heart whenever she’s about to get crushed—whether it be let down by a budding romance or a wholesale account that doesn’t give me the time of day….My other favorite quote I made up years ago, “The ripples you make today will be the waves you ride tomorrow.” Noble efforts will not be done in vain, my friends.

My art journey of horses and western life

Welcome to my studio and my “magic carpet”—where I have created dozens of my collages over the years!

BODACIOUS, a legendary rodeo bull star

PEARL HARBOUR, a legendary rodeo bull star

LUNATIC FRINGE a legendary rodeo bull star

CALIFORNIA CHROME, Triple Crown Winner (commission for client out of Seattle)

Check out my full holstein collection here!

My friend April Bach Patterson has been putting on Legacy of the West for several years now! For several years I have partially donated my artwork to her cause. https://cowboylifestylenetwork.com/legacy-of-the-west-gala/

My friends—they come from a prominent rodeo family in Texas— brought me to oe of the NFR event that took place at Astros Stadium!

At my friend’s ranch outside Fort Worth

At Billy Bobs during NFR, December 2020

At my first solo art show in Bozeman, Montana

FARRAH: an art memoir of a very special horse

In early October 2022 I had a very special opportunity to go to Anacortes to visit a client to bond with her horses before recreating one through collage. She put me up in her beautiful abode—a ranch-style house on a hill overlooking her horse farm—so breathtaking! Here are photos of my time there and the subsequent collage I created shortly after when I got back to my studio.

Elton, Bowie and Rod 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁥󠁮󠁧󠁿 Journey of a custom collage project

The oxymoron in the room: male-female friendships

This 1993 candid is worth a thousand words, but not the thousand about which most people think. Few people know the backstory to this nostalgic visual that we all love—the first public snapshot of John and Carolyn while they were both watching the NYC Marathon. It was during that week that her quasi boyfriend at the time, model hunk Michael Bergen, caught the photo in the headlines and confronted her about it. For the longest time, her ongoing response was the nonchalant “Oh, he’s just a friend, Michael.” That Carolyn was either the most intelligent calculating woman out there or the most ignorant folly of a case, the jury is still out.

Unbeknownst to Carolyn, she coined the 21st century euphemism “Oh we’re just hanging out” and “Yea, we’re talking”. Ummm, right, over your cologne-scented pillows, girl. If you know anything about Carolyn Bessette—the tall cut-throat blonde who nabbed smoldering American prince of the 90s JFK Jr—she was a low-key man eater, in my opinion. She never wanted to define anything. She hung with the boys and she did it really well. She was unconventionally gorgeous and whip smart which added to the male intrigue. One thing that set her apart from most females is that she didn’t play hard to get, she just intrinsically was hard to get. I learned of this other angle to her life after reading The Other Man in which Michael Bergman chronicled their love story. Page 21 and 23 sums up our girl—that kind of girl everyone knows at least one in their life:

PAGE 21:

“What happened? I asked?

“Nothing,” she said. “We went out a couple of times.”

“Dinner?”

“Dinner,” she repeated. “And once or twice to Martha’s Vineyard.”

“You went to Martha’s Vineyard with John Kennedy Jr.?” I wasn't exactly thrilled by the idea. Not that I suffer from retroactive jealousy, but I was nuts about Carolyn and didn’t want anything to go wrong.

We were at the entrance to the subway now. She put her hand on my arm, as if to reassure me. “It was nothing, Michael.”

“Nothing,” I said, trying to control my voice. "You don’t go away for a weekend with a guy and say it’s nothing.”

“It really was nothing,” she said, with a note of irritation now. “I went as a friend.”

“What does that mean, friend?” It occurred to me that she had never once admitted to any kind of serious liaison with any man. Not Jason. Not JFK Jr. Not the hockey player she had dated in college. It was almost as if she didn't want to aknowledge that she had any sexual history at all. She wanted to be a virgin for me. Every other man had just been a friend.

Carolyn liked to talk about the future even less than she liked talking about the past, if that was remotely possible. Even the near term was too complicated for her. She refused to make a plan. It always depended on how things went at work, how much she got down, whether she had to go to that boring thing at the Met.

But I didn’t mind. I was idiotically happy. As far as I was concerned, it was nothing short of a miracle that I had this amazing woman in my life.

What other man has been in Michael’s place?

I have long been puzzled, yet very intrigued, by the concept of male-female friendships—the PLATONIC-I-don’t-expect-anything-from-you definition of friendship. This stems from me being a natural Girl’s Girl: I have a ton of girl friends. I’m incapable of “rollin’ with the homies” like some girls, while culture preemptively makes those girls the cool ones to aspire to, right? Nevermind that they are the exceptions to successful male-female dynamics outside of conventional romantic coupledom. I’ve realized we as culture have this hasty sophomoric ideal “Well, if they can do it I can, too!” to make certain exceptions the rule when it comes to what some individuals can fancifully get away with that the masses can’t. Despite all of the progress we’ve made, I believe the western first world countries are in a massive state of denial. And it’s not just with this area of life but with so many others. In a relativistic “my truth” world—not to mention the extreme issues of no defining terms on what a woman is and redefinition of marriage—I’m not surprised that we are still keeping up with these minor charades of male-female close knit friendships, much stemming from the 1960’s Free Love movement (reason #3 below).

I started this blog 7 months ago and have been procrastinating on finishing it because there is so much nuance to this subject. For instance, I do have some amazing male friendships in my life, BUT to be politically correct I’d like to call them acquaintances—compared to the scale of friendship I can have with my female friends. Because I think having a platonic male friend has never and will never be the same as having a female friend. Think more boundaries. It’s a different dynamic and we need to respect that dynamic—-unlike what Carolyn and other women like her have done to murk those waters.

I’ve talked to “Guy’s Girl’s” regarding this topic and here is the proverbial response I have gotten over the years: “I just get along better with guys.” Well, to that I say: I get along really well with men, too. I have lively intelligent conversations, I love a man’s self deprecation and different perspective on things that I can’t glean from a woman. I love hanging out in groups with them BUT there is a subtle tension nobody in that camp seems to acknowledge when it comes to platonic conversations with the opposite sex that is ampliflied even more when it’s one on one. With romance it’s a different dynamic: both parties subconsciously welcome that tension but if one is not romantically interested in the other, then what is the point of expending that sexual tension on them? One will either get screwed, literally (see reason #5, below) or one will be disappointed because nothing is coming from the interactions (reason #3).

And I’m not just talking about in person—this could be over the phone too, because that is still a one-on-one intimate conversation. Neverless, I do have long conversations with people in general and one time I spent 3 hours on the phone with one of my male friends! When I got off the phone I thought to myself, “damn that was special, but rare. I’m not doing this every day or even every week with you—things are going to get awkward!” You see, we don’t experience the same type of vulnerability within our species as we do outside of our species. I think of girls being my same species while guys are not. Now that’s quiet hyperbolic because I know what you are thinking, “Whitney we are still the same species!” Yea, and men are from Mars and women are from Venus! Look, in the midst of our woke non-binary, feminist leaning culture I promote, for the sake of arguments like these, using more hyperbole to counteract the blur into which society is trying to meld us.

This subject of male-female friendship reminds me of a cute baby elephant in the room, one that we don’t want to disrupt because it looks like it’s having so much fun over there in the corner (such like the Carlolyn excerpts I will use throughout this blog). But, it so often ends up being a conundrum too many of us humans find ourselves in, especially in this modern age. I’ll attempt to address that elephant—which may ruffle some tomboy’s overalls—and you’ll find out why I don’t go out of my way to have male friendships. Let me explain 5 reasons why, coming from a female’s perspective and my personal experience sprinkled in…

1. BASIC INSTINCT: the primal sexual tension factor is a real thing.

It took me a while to comprehend my feelings as a legitimate concept to talk about—maybe because I thought I was the only one out there thinking this way and I felt weird? After years of experiencing this, I will bring it to the surface. It’s hard to form intimacy (the cerebral kind) with a male friend if I’m only going to remain friends with him: if I don’t feel or foresee any romance in the future then I don’t care to get closer physically or mentally. My brain gives me this red light. I feel emotionally constipated, like I can’t fully be myself because if I was I would be defaulting to flirtatious behavior (see Reason #4) that could “lead the guy on” to a direction not in the cards for us. It’s emotional and intellectual energy better spent on my girlfriends, geriatric male mentors and such. There only seems to be sexual tension with men who are in my mating bracket—imagine that! They could be the most upstanding man and it has nothing to do with trusting them around me (like they will make a move or something), it has to do with not wanting to face sexual tension within myself for a man I have no chemistry/compatability/longterm romance for. And I’m sure several of them have felt the same…..This could be explored further in the TEDtalk by evolutionary pscyhologist David Buss who delivers a very uncomfortable yet hilarious truth about men and women:

2. BRAVE NEW WORLD: It’s a newer frame of mind

When it’s your blood relations/ close kin (father, brother, male relatives) that sexual tension seems non existent. Our psychology subconsciously recognizes this to keep things from getting complicated. And boy oh boy do things get complicated outside of those relationships here with American culture. Carolyn, unbeknownst to her, was a one of many poster children for the “I’m not a regular girl I’m a cool girl” who had friends with benefits, something born out of the 60s—so one could say the sexual revolution had a lot to do with this new frame of mind. That’s why some cultures employ strict boundaries. Just look at Muslim culture, the extreme opposite end of the spectrum regarding female to male social ethics here in America. You are not even allowed to talk to a man unless he is your father, brother or husband. Good grief that’s archaic! But, for the sake of my argument, it says something about using ancient wisdom with our opposite-sex interactions and being discretionary about getting involved with opposite parties, unless for very intentional reasons. Former vice president Pence would know. Remember when everyone made fun of him when he declared no one-one meetings with the opposite sex out of respect for his marriage (and keeping him out of temptation waters)? Trump and Clinton should have taken a page from his book.

3. DAMN IF YOU DO, DAMN IF YOU DON’T: it’s awkward regardless of your relationship status

I think most men can empathize with me: no single self-respecting guy is going to continue communicating (on a deep level—the key to solid friendships which we are talking about here) with a women if she is taken (that’s how the classic affair is born), nor is he going to waste his time being friend zoned by her if she is single. It’s such a beta move for a woman or a man to waste their time in the friend zone with the opposite sex. Like the Michael, Carolyn and JFKjr love triangle, I believe the live-here-in-the-moment type of girls thrive in the male/female friendship department because they are either A) naive and not self aware or B) they just have a unique emotional bandwidth that makes room for male interactions that they don’t intend to become romantic. Nonetheless, whether knowingly or unknowingly, they crave male attention more than me. I’ve only ever wanted one special man’s attention in my life, to know him deeply at every level. Do I sound boring because I lack this insatiable thirst to half-ass communicate with men all the time? No, I’m just an incredibly fulfilled person and don’t have the time to entertaining the advances of various men—I only enjoy entertaining the ones that I see as husband material where I can have free range communication with him in with romance involved. Period. So, I’m not going to confuse myself and a guy who I’m not meant to be with. Thinking on that, I could never be on the Bachelorette—I would have nervous breakdown with all that attention around me. Its just too much! Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to see the male-female dynamic through rose-colored-lenses. Those women are so non chalant, taking things in stride—never mind the wake of madness and frustration they leave for the men in their path. “Oh I had no idea he actually had feelings for me! I thought our connection was mutual, all of a sudden he got weird.” blah blah blah…. Miss. Me. With. That.

4. THE BANE OF SURFACE TALK: small talk is a disease to me

Small talk is the safest yet most boring—hence, why it’s hard to have a solid friendship with a dude. The tension builds because you want to talk something beyond that. Flirting is inevitable and/or deep talks about life which both are a form of vulnerability that forms intimacy. There are some exceptions in my experience and in other women’s but it does not change the rule: having a formal platonic friendship with a straight man is an oxymoron.

5. DEVOLVING SEXUAL MORES: Living in a culture of denial

The most obvious takeaway is this. FWB’s is a unique modern age phenomenon thats roots go back to the 60’s Sexual Revolution. Everybody knows someone who slept with their guy friend and are “totally still cool.” But they are not cool, they are either in denial or a devolving as a human. It will eventually lead to friends with benefits and that is the tackiest low-grade ‘friendship” out there—another way to cheapen the act of sex, reflective of hookup culture. Sorry, girls, call it a double standard but we are incapable of behaving like men with their capacity for compartimentalizing. Stop paying attention to what they are doing and take a deep look at yourselves. We are not using are personal agency as much as we think we are: We are using it to do what we want, not what we ought. Now the latter sounds more empowering because it alludes to exercising our self control, the road less traveled yet so much more soul redeeming than the crowded path of today…..

Conclusion:

I’m not advocating for less friendships between potential romantic partners—no, that kind of friendship to slowly grow into something more intimate is a great foundation. I’m also not disparaging your current platonic friendships you do have with the opposite sex. This article is not about the exceptions in life, it’s about the rules which I have made objective arguments for above. Most of the time, having an indifferent opinion on a guy or girl but still keeping them in your life and communicating with them like they are something is going to lead to resentment down the line. Save your time, energy and sanity—accept the rule for what it is and don’t play yourself.

This photo also has a similar backstory, which I found in Michael Bergen’s writing. Several months later after the NYC marathon, Carolyn again dubbed John as “just a friend” because she cringed at putting labels on anything serious. Meanwhile Michael was waiting in the wings, an idiot in love as he puts it several times throughout the book. What I gathered from the book was that Carolyn never was entirely exclusive to John Jr during their courtship—let alone in their marriage. Just because she had this refined sensibility with her fashion and conservative looks did not mean she was stable emotionally. She had this innate ability to reel a man in and reveal her authentic self while still keeping him at arms length. She kind of reminds me of Bruce Springsteen’s “Secret Garden” song. The lyrics give me chills every time: "…She’ll let you come just far enough, so you know she’s really there. She’ll look at you and smile and her eyes will say she’s got a secret garden, where everything you want, where everything you need will always stay a million miles away.” That’s what she did with Michael and John. That’s what made her a catch, one that could never actually be caught. She brought her past with her into the sacred convenant of marriage and even justified her liasons with Michael Bergen by telling him that she thought John was having an affair, too.

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